Only rule: It has to have been a hit, otherwise this would just be 10 songs form 'Angelic to the Core: Angelic Rockadelic/ Angelic Funkadelic' by Corey Feldman. Now that that's out of the way...
2016 was a rubbish year for pop music, with way more bad songs than good, and it was a suprise to see a good song in the top 10 once in a while whether you lived in the UK or the USA. It seemed like the trend of the year was sounding-like-you're-not-trying and so artists like Drake and Rihanna sleepwalked themselves onto the radio with such force that it made me stop listening to top 40 radio, which I still haven't returned to. But what was the worst of the worst?
10. Fifth Harmony ft. Obligatory Rapper for Mainstream appeal - Work From Home
Where to start, eh? For a group named 'Fifth Harmony' there isn't a whole lot of harmonising going on, or a lot of effort in the vocal department. The lyrics are trash, and I can't help but feel like (combined with the music video) they're just an attempt to sell the 'sexiness' of the song - especially considering it was written by six men. The production has a lullaby feel to it that makes me sleepy and the melody is ripped completely fro the even-worse 'Gotta Get Thru This' by Daniel Bedingfield from 2001, and there's an obligatory rap verse from Ty Dolla Sign.
9. The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey - Closer
Another song that rips it melody straight out of the 2000s, 'Closer' ruins the melody of The Fray's hit 'Over My Head (Cable Car)'. That's far from the only problem, with super-cheap sounding minimalist production and Andrew Taggart giving an unbearable vocal performance. Number one for 10 weeks.
8. Zay Hilfigerrr and Zayion McCall - Juju On That Beat
Another year, another four note stupid dance song. It's no worse than 'Watch me Whip/Nae Nae' or 'Teach Me How To Dougie', but man, I'm getting too old for these kinds of songs. 'If you compare me and you, there wouldn't be no comparance' is maybe the worst lyric of the year.
7. Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar - Don't Wanna Know
Much like a stupid dance song, at this point it's an annual occurrence for Maroon 5 to release a terrible piece of music, whether it's 'One More Night', 'Animals' or 'This Summer' and once again 'Don't Wanna Know' isn't much worse. It is, however, by far the most boring Maroon 5 (At this point it's just Adam Levine let's be honest) song and KENDRICK LAMAR SHOULD NOT BE ON THIS SONG. The music video's pretty good though.
6. Drake - One Dance
(Yes, it's not the official video, but it's close enough and you know what it sounds like by now.)
'One Dance' doesn't feel like a song. It uses the ultimate stock beat, the most basic sparse piano and an awkward slowed down sample as the 'music' of the song, with lyrics about needing 'a one dance' and Drake sounding asleep the whole time. Now it's the second longest-running number one in UK history.
5. Meghan Trainor - NO
Did Meghan Trainor successfully transfer from making unbearable doo-wop to making edgy 90s pop? NO
Does this song sound good? NO
In all seriousness though, Meghan Trainor could be preaching world peace and I would still feel inclined to disagree because of her self-righteousness and apparent superiority complex.
4. Hailee Steinfeld, Grey ft. Zedd - Starving
It's not too bad until the chorus. Then the lyrics are the first aspect of the song to crash and burn as the line 'By the way, By the way you do things to my body' is confusingly thrown in despite not rhyming, taking all momentum out of the narrative and being a super-clunky line in it's own right. But the real reason this is on here is that AWFUL drop. Just what I want to hear when I tune into Capital FM - Headache-inducing screams from Hell!
3. Charlie Puth - One Call Away
Up until this point I've met someone who likes each of these songs - but none of these top 3 have in my experience got a single fan. 'One Call Away' sounds like the kind of music a senile Puritan grandma would want you to listen to, but Charlie Puth's high pitched squeal of a voice means that even she would flip stations. 'Superman got nothing on me' is not only a line that makes me contort whenever I hear it but is the most forced rhyme of the year.
2. Shawn Mendes - Treat You Better
My least favourite song topic in general is 'I'm going to steal your significant other', and Shawn Mendes' ode from the friend-zone is this topic mixed with awkward teenage angst. It's completely unaware of itself and sounds like something a 14 year-old boy would write in a diary. The production is 'Tropical-flavoured', similarly to Maroon 5's effort, and is equally as boring. The cherry on top is the climactic injured-animal cry of 'BADDADANEEKAN' which is probably the most mockably bad musical moment of the year.
1. Meghan Trainor - Me Too
I'm not exaggerating when I say this is the worst song I have heard in all my time following the charts. Even if I was including anything that came out this year - which includes 'Spoons' by Macklemore and the aforementioned Corey Feldman - This would still be number one. The audacity that somebody with an image as already dislikable as Meghan Trainor to suggest that I would want to LITERALLY BECOME HER is unbearable. This isn't a self-love anthem, but a 'Meghan Trainor love' anthem that somehow became a hit. The production sounds like an autotuned frog reminiscent of a squashed up Will.i.am beat and the lyrics... 'My life's a movie Tom cruise, Bless me baby, ah-choo' is Right Said Fred levels of terrible and by the end of the song you feel legitimate hatred for the performer that calls herself 'Meghan Trainor', mainly because you just had to sit through three minutes of the worst music that will hopefully ever grace the radio. It's all the small things, the 'Turndebassup' refrain the weirdly whisper-spoken chorus the oddly specific lyrics... It doesn't get worse than this.
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