The Awful Tier
117. Can't Stop Partying (Raditude)
No Weezer song before or since has been as offensively atrocious as 'Can't Stop Partying', with it's opening distant Millennial whoops, almost completely artificial production that sounds more appropriate for Kidz Bop than Weezer and lyrics that were extremely generic in 2009 and are now a signifier of how far Weezer had come from the nerdy relatability songs like 'In the Garage'. Of course, the worst part of any Weezer song ever is also present on this failure, straight after the second chorus, with Lil Wayne - And I can barely believe this really happened - jumping on the mic and spitting such timeless bars as "OKAY BITCHES WEEZER AND IT'S WEEZY". These days 'Can't Stop Partying' still sets the limit for how low Weezer can go and serves as a sad reminder of the Raditude era.
116. Beverly Hills (Make Believe)
In a cruel twist of fate this song is Weezer's highest charting single in the US. It was also the first Weezer song I ever heard, and let's just say I didn't check them out until I heard Buddy Holly on a compilation album a year later. The song has no energy, it repeats the same 3 chords over and over and over and over until breaking into a nauseatingly bad talkbox guitar solo. The lyrics are hopeless and strangely depressing, and it's success brought on a hit-chasing phase for Weezer that lasted for the next 4 years.
115. Cold Dark World (Red)
I'm all for a minor-scale Weezer song, but having bassist Scott Shriner 'rap' over the verses with lyrical gems such as 'I will protect you, never disrespect you, but if you need love I'll be here to sex you' is too far. The whole song gives off a super-creepy vibe, which would be alright if it didn't sound so accidental, as if this song was meant to be romantic. The chorus also just sounds really bad, so that doesn't help either.
114. In the Mall (Raditude)
That riff! It's not good! It never stops! What are the lyrics about? Nobody knows!
113. Hold Me (Make Believe)
For as much as I hate 'Beverly Hills', I'll admit it's not the main reason I hate 'Make Believe' as an album - it's the huge number of crushingly bland, vague and whiny songs demonstrated on songs such as 'Hold Me'. Sure, it doesn't sound as bad as some of the songs I've put above it, but this song can't even be enjoyed ironically, it's just depressingly boring.
112. The Girl Got Hot (Raditude)
The title of this song alone means I don't need to explain the problems with the lyrics. The bigger problem is how happy Cuomo sounds singing these uncomfortable lyrics, and that the instrumental of the song sounds like something from a bad Scooby-Doo chase scene.
111. We Are All On Drugs (Make Believe)
Another instance of god-awful lyrics backed up by generic, downbeat instrumentation. The video is kinda cool though.
110. I'm Your Daddy (Raditude)
Another instance of the biggest problem with the song being present in the title. The main line of the chorus being "You are my baby tonight, and I'm Your Daddy." Is creepy beyond what I thought possible in a Weezer song. That said, I actually quite like the instrumentation until the bassy breakdown.
109. Pardon Me (Make Believe)
The verses of this song sound fine enough, but as per usual with Make Believe the lyrics are confusingly bad - who wants to hear Cuomo wail for forgiveness for 4 minutes - and when combined with the rest of Make Believe I just want to skip it every time.
108. Tripping Down The Freeway (Raditude)
"You went out with somebody named Kevin Green" - This line doesn't rhyme with anything. It's in the middle of a verse. Why? This is one of many problems with 'Trippin' down The Freeway', which goes from being oddly specific to incredibly vague at the drop of a hat and has guitars that sound like farts.
107. Troublemaker (Red)
The lyrics! I hate to talk about terrible lyrics again, but every couplet in 'Troublemaker' sounds like it was intentionally written from the perspective of a very young child - therefore making lines like "Marrying a beeyaach, having seven keeyaads" and "They will crane their necks, to get a glimpse of me to see if I am having sex" feel out of place. The lyrics in this song are honestly worse than a lot of the songs I've placed lower, but this song is at least partially redeemed by the sing-along of the chorus.
106/105. Haunt You Every Day/ The Damage In Your Heart (Make Believe)
Another two bland, depressing 'Make Believe' cuts.
104. Heart Songs (Red)
'Rivers sings about songs he likes' already doesn't sound great, but making the song into a grey, depressing acoustic guitar ballad is such a strange decision that it can distract you from the fact that Cuomo rips most of the lyrics from way better songs.
103. Let It All Hang Out (Raditude)
Weezer's never been 'cool' in the same way as, say Radiohead or Kendrick Lamar where you could show a non-fan and they'd still be impressed, but 'Let it All Hang Out' is one of the few Weezer songs I would describe as 'Lame'. Cuomo sounds like he's never done anything he's describing in the song and "Vitamin Water, Energy Flavour, Take us to your daughter" means it fulfills the 'Raditude' quota of one-awful-line-per-song.
102. Thought I Knew (Red)
The least Weezer-y Weezer song in existence, with Brian Bell on bitterly sarcastic vocals, this song could have been album filler from any number of unremarkable bands from the past 25 years.
101. My Best Friend (Make Believe)
The verses on this song actually sound pretty great, similar to something from a 2000s Sonic game, but the DUN DUN DUN DUN of the chorus has actually given me a headache on two occasions, and is one of the most horrible sounding moments in Weezer's discography. The lyrics are shite too.
100. Everybody Get Dangerous (Red)
This song sounds like Rivers Cuomo heard 'Can't Stop' by the Red Hot Chili Peppers one time and then tried to recreate it but with lyrics about cows and a refrain that hinges around the exclamation of 'ooh-yah'.
99. Where's My Sex (Hurley)
I love 'Hurley' and think it's unfairly tossed into the same trash pile as 'Make Believe', 'Raditude' and 'Red' too often. I even adore this song, but I can't deny how terrible it is, especially on first listen. With lyrics like "Sex-making is a family tradition" it immediately strikes the listener as some disturbing piece of horror that was never meant to be recorded. The jukebox-smashing-through-the-window-and-smacking-you-in-the-face chorus and Cuomo's weird vocal performance all combine to make an unpleasant experience. Even if you learn that the song is actually about socks and not sex, it's still a bad sounding song about socks.
The Meh Tier (Not much to say about these)
98. Death and Destruction (Maladroit)
This one has the potential to be controversial, as I know a lot of people like this song, but I've always found it a bit boring and whiny. It's more heartfelt than anything off 'Make Believe', but that's not enough to save it from being above a 4/10 for me.
97. I Don't Want To Let You Go (Raditude)
One of the more bearable songs from Raditude, this is an inoffensive and kinda bland end to a usually hilariously bad album.
96. La Mancha Screwjob (Pacific Daydream)
For the most part like this song, but there are several elements that make it my least favourite on the album. The main offenders are the millennial whoop in the chorus that instantly makes the song sound generic, and the weird way Cuomo sings 'Like a Hood-lum', which I can only imagine Cuomo thinks makes him sound cool. The sound effects at the start and end are also maybe the worst 2 seconds on the album.
95. Automatic (Red)
Nothing is necessarily bad about about this song but... "Maybe I should play the lead guitar and Pat should play the drums" wasn't a lyric for nothing.
94. Go Away (EWBAITE)
A strangely childish song on an otherwise refreshingly mature Weezer album, this is one of the Weezer songs I have had no impulse to ever listen to again after my initial listen.
93. Knockdown Dragout (Green)
In the context of 'Green' this song disappears in the summery power-pop mist of the surrounding songs, but when separated it lacks what makes a bunch of these surrounding songs good - a good melody. The awkward, jerky verses and the underdeveloped chorus never develop into anything particularly good.
92. Smart Girls (Hurley)
Similarly to 'Where's My Sex' I adore this song, but once again it has some very evident flaws. It's the most obvious remnant of 'Raditude' on the album, the lyrics are uncomfortable coming from a married Cuomo and drum machines shouldn't be on Weezer songs as a general rule. But every second of this song is so infectiously catchy that I can't bring myself to place it any lower.
91. Love Is The Answer (Raditude)
It's better than most of 'Raditude', but then again so are most Weezer songs.
90. The Other Way (Make Believe)
It's better than most of 'Make Believe' but then again so are most Weezer songs.
89. Happy Hour (Pacific Daydream)
I like this song more for it's meme factor than because of the actual quality of the music. The bridge is great, and the whole song is pretty addictive, but at the end of the day this is a song where the main appeal is Cuomo shouting "COCONUT... COCONUT!!"
88. Beach Boys (Pacific Daydream)
The exact same thing can be said of 'Beach Boys', with it's already infamous "Makin' my eyes get moist" line (in the chorus, no less). The bass might be THICC, but the dreamy production glosses over lots of the quirks that make Weezer great in the first place.
87. Brave New World (Hurley)
This is a perfectly fine Weezer song, but if you haven't realised by now I've reached the small pool of Weezer songs I have basically nothing to say about. Not bad, not great just perfectly passable.
86/85/84. Glorious Day/Simple Pages/I Do (Green)
Yep, still in that pool.
83. Fall Together (Maladroit)
I don't listen to much metal, and if I did I'm not sure if this song would be higher or lower.
82. Freak Me Out (Make Believe)
The instrumentation in this song is really really good - arguably my favourite on 'Make Believe' and is unlike anything Weezer has done before or since. The whole song has a really chilled out, night-time atmosphere which I love - but the lyrics are just bad. It's about a spider right? Man, those were dark times.
81. Peace (Make Believe)
Basically the exact same negatives and positives as 'Freak Me Out'.
80. Feels Like Summer (Pacific Daydream)
Maybe the polar opposite of 'Back to the Shack' in terms of the fanbases' reaction, but not actually that bad. The second verse and chorus are pretty great, with the only major flaw being the incessant NA-NA-NA-NAs throughout the song.
I don't cannoli what anybody says, I absolutely cannoli this song. I don't care if it shows a return of creepy lyrics about women or that it conjures up the picture of a young mastubating Cuomo every time the second verse rolls around, this song is way too cannoli for me to hate. Oh, and the lyric video is either the best or worst cannoli on youtube depending on my mood.
78. O Girlfriend (Green)
As sad album closers go this isn't exactly 'Butterfly', but it's still a decent and appropriate ending to 'Green' (I don't count 'I Do', it's more of an outro than anything else.)
77. Pork N Beans (Red)
If I ever need to remember what YouTube consisted of in 2008, the incredible 'Pork N Beans' music video is the first place I go. The song itself starts off with one of the best Weezer riffs from the 2000s before blasting into a chorus which is simultaneously awesome and terrible. The lyrics are, for once charmingly bad, mainly because of how dated they now seem. But honestly, the video has put this one up at least 10 places.
76. Hash Pipe (Green)
Hash Pipe should be higher! Hash Pipe should be lower! Yeah, I know this song is maybe the most divisive Weezer song, but for me it more or less lands in the middle, as a song with horrific verses but a really amazing chorus and lyrics which fall in between. Since it sounds like nothing on 'Green' it was a weird choice for a lead single, but hey, the video is amazing.
75. Get Right (Pacific Daydream)
Maybe the most visceral song on Pacific Daydream, this song certainly packs much more of a punch than anything surrounding it. That said, I can't shake the feeling that this is Weezer covering OneRepublic.
74. Time Flies (Hurley)
Why is the audio quality so poor? Obviously it's an intentional decision, but I don't understand the logic in taking an admittedly decent song and making sound like it's being played on a radio which isn't quite tuned into the right station?
73. Slob (Maladroit)
Another divisive song, 'Slob' is one where you'll probably either love or hate the song. I feel like I should like the song more than I do, but Cuomo's delivery and the dreariness of the distorted guitars has resulted in me never wanting to hear the song.
72. Da Vinci (EWBAITE)
Whistling pretty much never works in rock music, and it immediately sets a super corny tone for the song, which is supported by lyrics like "I looked you up on ancestry.com" and "Stephen Hawking could not explain you" which are already starting to date. That said, I love the bridge of this song and lyrics aside the chorus is pretty cool.
71. Any Friend of Diane's (Pacific Daydream)
It's nice to see that Weezer can still right songs with cohesive narratives, and the spanish guitar solo is beautiful. If only it wasn't sung with an awkward lisp.
The Good Tier
70. Back To The Shack (EWBAITE)
When this song dropped it was the best thing ever. Finally, a Weezer song with REAL INSTRUMENTS! And a GUITAR SOLO! And best of all, SELF-AWARE LYRICS! It was amazing to see Weezer not only acknowledge that the Raditude era was a mistake, but actually apologise to their fans in a kick-ass song was what I think everyone wanted. Since Pacific Daydream betrayed this though, the song is sadder to listen to than it should be.
69. Sweet Mart (Pacific Daydream)
The first second of this song is a dead ringer for the far superior 'Thirty-Three' by The Smashing Pumpkins, but don't let that distract you from Weezer's second best christmas song. The melody is lovely and the build up in intensity is also a nice structural switch-up for Weezer. the bridge even has some distorted guitar!
68. Mexican Fender (Pacific Daydream)
Easily the whitest song on the album (Because it sounds like something from the white album, not because the pre-chorus has the lyric 'It was hot, hot 100 degrees.'), this is a step below most of the songs on it's predecessor, but the bridge and euphoric chorus save it. It could've done with a solo though.
67. Run Away (Hurley)
Underrated! I barely hear anybody talk about this song (Or much of 'Hurley' in general.), which is a shame, as I would love some help trying to pin down what it is that I like so much about 'Run Away'. I'm pretty sure it's the 'Wha-oohs'.
66. Space Rock (Maladroit)
This was gonna be lower until I remembered how ball-bustingly weird this song is. I can't make out any of the verses, I have no idea why it's called 'Space Rock'. It's really short, yet strangely addicting.
65. American Gigolo (Maladroit)
Weezer's generally good at album openers (Other than 'Beverly Hills' and 'Troublemaker') and 'Gigolo' is no exception, and it gets me pumped up for 'Maladroit' every time I start the album. The only thing that holds it back is that it doesn't stand up as much when played as standalone song, but hey it's not a single so...
64. Put Me Back Together (Raditude)
The second-best song from 'Raditude' was essentially a All-American Rejects leftover, and it kind of sounds like it. I can't really justify it being above the last 4 songs, but the wave of relief I get hearing this after slogging through 'Can't Stop Partying' may have something to do with it.
63. Lonely Girl (EWBAITE)
A non-creepy song about girls coming after 'Smart Girls', 'Cold Dark World' and most of 'Raditude' would automatically make 'Lonely Girl' decent at least, but the song is really a really nice, simple Weezer song that slots nicely into the EWBAITE tracklist.
62. Take Control (Maladroit)
This is a heavier Weezer song that I actually really like, mainly because the triumphant chorus has some really great, relatable lyrics about leaving a toxic relationship without destroying everyone involved. Whatever guitar effect they use on this is also really cool.
61. This Is Such A Pity (Make Believe)
This is so much better than most of 'Make Believe' it's almost amazing it comes just two tracks after 'Beverly Hills'. Sure the lyrics are a bit vague, but that chorus... It's the funkiest Weezer have ever been and it's a shame the retro sound hasn't been returned to.
60. Girl We've Got A Thing (White)
I had to force myself to lower my rankings for many of the 'White' album songs, because they're all so upbeat, catchy and enjoyable that I tend to forget or dismiss any flaws I come across. As such I love 'GWGAGT' in pretty much every aspect other than the weird bridge which kills the mood up a bit, but when it breaks into that solo all is forgiven.
59. Dreamin' (Red)
This is one of the most adventurous Weezer songs, as in I feel like I get taken on a journey when listening to this song. It starts off super-upbeat before we get a bit more 'rock!', and then we lift off into Cuomo and Brian Bell's daydream. It comes off as really cheesy, but the framing of Cuomo being a kid makes it much more bearable. This segment is almost sad in how free it sounds, before it plunges into a great chorus of "Why am I so glad/ I'm running through the meadows etc." and then it bursts back into a slowed don version of the hook and then it ends just a little off with it's chanty ending.
58. Ain't Got Nobody (EWBAITE)
Back at it again with the great album openers that aren't so good when played alone.
57. Summer Elaine and Drunk Dori (White)
Yes, the title is atrocious, but this song is so tightly performed, building tension that all adds to the explosive chorus that I can forgive it. The lyrics are genuinely good (We've finally reached that point in the list!), talking about nostalgia in a better way than anything on 'Red', and that breakdown is heartbreaking, before the solo lifts you out of the sadness and it ploughs right into that chorus again - plus it has a Paranoid android reference so it must be good.
56. Perfect Situation (Make Believe)
The song everyone likes from 'Make Believe' benefits from having lyrics that aren't overly vague or overly creepy and having a well-implemented piano. The music video is one of their most creative and funny, and the often criticised "Wha-hoe' of the chorus is too fun to sing along to for me to hate.
55. December (Maladroit)
Another song I never hear being talked about, 'December' is a chugging pop-rock piece that is in my opinion flawless as a head-nodding album closer, but the lyrics are too vague and the song is too short for it to be a true classic.
54. Possibilities (Maladroit)
Similarly to 'Space Rock' this is a super short, energetic and addictive song I never hear mentioned, but every second of 'Possibilities' is filled with so much energy and creativity that it doesn't feel short at all, in the best way possible.
53. Love Explosion (Maladroit)
Listen to the second half of 'Maladroit' right now!!!!
52. Don't Let Go (Green)
So simplistic there isn't much to talk about, but suffice to say this is simplicity done right.
51. Weekend Woman (Pacific Daydream)
Easily the best christmas song Weezer has ever made (as much as I like their Christmas EP), this is a catchy, bass-heavy tune complete with church bells and a chorus so immediate you can almost feel snow falling onto the track. If only it was actually about Christmas and wasn't a track away from 'Feels Like Summer'.
50. Eulogy For a Rock Band (EWBAITE)
This is the point where 'EWBAITE' really gets going for me, it's uber-catchy has Queen-esque guitars in the verses and lyrics about... Weezer? It's not entirely clear, but when it sounds this good I don't really care.
49. Photograph (Green)
Super upbeat and catchy from the first second, this song is 3 minutes of pure musical happiness, but doesn't have enough solid meaning to be a true classic.
48. Ruling Me (Hurley)
This was the moment that I realised that the 'Raditude' era was over. Real instruments, lyrics that are awkward but in a nerdy rather than creepy way and a huge chorus with great backing vocals, this is one of the reasons you shouldn't write 'Hurley' off.
47. Smile (Green)
One of the more interesting 'Green' songs, this one benefits from having multiple different hooks and group vocals, making it the most successful song on the otherwise lightweight second half of the album.
46. Burndt Jamb (Maladroit)
The most infuriating song in Weezer's catalogue, this song would be significantly higher on this list if the shimmery, summery riff (Within my top 3 Weezer riffs) wasn't cut off in the middle off this charming jam for a tonally juxtaposed and uninteresting faux-metal riff.
45. The Futurescope Trilogy (EWBAITE)
Nobody expected that in 2014 Weezer would not only come back better than they had been since the 90s, but that the closing track on their comeback album would be a 7 minute, 3 part odyssey of Weezery-ness that exemplified everything that made them so great (Musically at least). The intro and outro of this piece are especially great in my opinion, showing the often underrated talents of the non-Cuomo band members. All that holds this back is the slightly disjointed nature and lyrics of the second half of the middle section, but otherwise this is one of their best album closers.
44. Wind In Our Sail (White)
A mellow, sunshiney song that works with 'California Kids' to set the scenery for the rest of 'White' to play about in, this song has some of the most interesting lyrics on the album, with a running theme of experimentation, full with references to famous scientists that gives this song the distinction of being one of the few Weezer songs with educational potential.
43. Holiday (Blue)
We have finally reached the 90s!!! Widely see as the worst song from 'Blue' (Because of the silly bridge mainly.), this is still an absolute essential of the album, albeit one where the first half is way stronger than the second.
42. Memories
One of the few times Cuomo's vocals lyrics sound both aggressive and good at the same time, this song is so successful because of it's constant momentum, sing-along chorus and the sorely relatable lyrics. That bridge and breakdown are also really cool, as is the video.
41. (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To (Raditude)
I can't justify this being so high, but God-damn, this might be the most catchy song Weezer released in the 2000s. Either way, the lyrics tell a boy-meets-girl story that is so simple that it allows space for some of the weirdest lyrics Cuomo has ever came out with ("you told me stories about your chicka-DEEZ, they didn't like BB guns or stupid archery."), and that chorus hits like a dog flying across a living room.
40. King Of The World (White)
One of the best love songs Cuomo's ever written, this succeeds where most of 'Make Believe' failed - it's very specific, but not specific to the point of alienation. There's no doubt here that Cuomo is singing about his wife (Which makes a nice change from the promiscuity of songs like 'Smart Girls'), and yet the chorus is relatable enough to give the song a much wider appeal. It all sounds great too.
39. Crab (Green)
One of the few songs on 'Green' with any edge, this is a short ugly, badass creation that may repeat the same melody for two minutes, but it's a damn good melody.
38. Cleopatra (EWBAITE)
One of several weirdly history based songs on 'EWBAITE', 'Cleopatra' starts off slow and mellow, with just the dark lyrics hinting at what's to come. The song's gradual descension into a darker and darker song is impressive to behold, culminating in the solo, with seethes with rage.
37. QB Blitz (Pacific Daydream)
Sure the lyrics may be a bit cringe-worthy for the first verse, but after that it increases dramatically in quality, sounding like a hybrid between 'Island in the Sun' and 'In the Garage', with it's Star Wars reference in the chorus. The bridge is also the best moment on the entire album, and the bass is pumpin' throughout the song.
The God Tier!
36. Unspoken (Hurley)
An acoustic ballad that starts off summery and sweet before turning sour towards the end may sound similar to 'Cleopatra', but despite lacking a solo, 'Unspoken' manages to get an even better vocal performance from Cuomo and keeps the tension going for longer, so that when the distortion breaks through it's even more satisfying.
35. Jacked Up (White)
I always love falsetto singing when used appropriately, and it's one of the best features of 'Jacked Up's piano-led chorus. The remix with members from Pussy Riot and Fitz and The Tantrums may be one of the worst things Weezer has ever done, but it only makes the original version seem better.
34. No One Else (Blue)
Is it sexist? Judging by everything Cuomo has done since, the answer may well be yes, but I'll be damned if this isn't the catchiest sexist anthem ever created.
33. Island In The Sun (Green)
I'm constantly surprised that this is Weezer's most played song on Spotify by some distance, as living in the UK I never hear this song on the radio compared to 'Buddy Holly', but either way, I can see why this song is so popular with casual fans. It's so sunny and summery that you can just play it again and again and again and again without getting tired of it.
32. Keep Fishin' (Maladroit)
There are few Weezer songs as plain enjoyable as 'Keep Fishin', with it's positive messages and multiple choruses, this song is guaranteed to make you instantly happier. The muppet-filled video is also one of their all-time best.
31. Slave (Maladroit)
Another instant feel-good song from 'Maladroit', this one has a slight edge because of it's more uplifting set of riffs and hooks. Luckily, this song seems to have survived it's second-half of 'Maladroit' placing too, as they performed the song as part of their spotify sessions last year.
30. The British Are Coming (EWBAITE)
For a song that seems to be referencing literal historic events with no sense of metaphor, this has no right to be as uplifting as it is. A chorus that has some lovely falsetto sprinkled in and music that sets a really cool atmosphere before the awesome breakdown/solo rips through helps I suppose.
29. No Other One (Pinkerton)
Picking places for the different songs on 'Pinkerton' feels almost wrong, as the album is such a cohesive masterwork of angst and depression, so just because I've put 'No Other One' as the lowest song from the album, it's still incredible. The sliding riff throughout the song is especially great, sounding both exciting and chilling at the same time.
28. Tired Of Sex (Pinkerton)
The heaviest song Weezer has ever released, this is a thunderous, disturbing opening to 'Pinkerton' that would scar many suprised 'Blue' fans taking the album for it's first spin for many years to come.
27. Dope Nose (Maladroit)
The lead single of 'Maladroit', 'Dope Nose' ended up as the best song off the whole album. It's pure distilled awesomeness, wailing with 'Oh-oh-oh's and filled with lyrics that may be nonsensical but sound really cool. As usual, the solo only adds to this feeling.
26. Surf Wax America (Blue)
Although one of the sillier and less substantial tracks on 'Blue', this song stands out for being a prefect summer anthem and for seemingly inspiring the entirety of 'The White Album'.
25. California Kids (White)
... And here is a prime example. The perfect intro to 'White', this song sounds exactly like driving along a sunny seaside, complete with a terrible/amazing video where the 3 questionable music videos that promoted previous 'White' singles are revisited by a confused Cuomo. The video's last 5 seconds are the worst thing ever though.
24. Foolish Father (EWBAITE)
This was the perfect closing track for 'EWBAITE', which is strange considering it isn't actually the final song on the album, but nonetheless, it has the uplifting chorus and even a choir based, sing-a-long outro. Without these, the song is lyrically very personal to an extent we hadn't seen since 'Pinkerton' (Unless 'Can't Stop Partying' is an accurate description of what Cuomo's life was like in 2009.).
23. In the Garage (Blue)
Maybe the single song that earned Weezer song the nerd-rock label, 'Garage' benefits from it's specific lyrics, which make the song immediately relatable to those who have 'Dungeon Master's Guides' and KISS posters up, and rather than being dated it now serves as a nostalgic time-capsule into 90s geekdom.
22. Hang On (Hurley)
Occasionally you come across a song which you fall in love with, but have no idea why. 'Hang on' is one of these songs for me. It's remarkable simple, has no solo (On the album at least), has a confusingly bad music video and has no lyrical depth - but it does have Michael Cera. His backing vocals are one of the most addictive qualities of the tune, as is the prominent mandolin. Feel free to disagree with how high this is, but I love it either way.
21. The World Has Turned And Left Me Here (Blue)
The first sign we get at Weezer's ability to write a really great sad song, this song is absolutely crushing from the sludging guitars of the intro to the desperate, almost embarrassing lyrics of the verses that would be perfected on 'Pinkerton'.
20. Getchoo (Pinkerton)
Another of the heaviest Weezer songs, this one also starts off in some kind of musical Hell with screeching guitars, and once the lyrics kick in it becomes clear that this is the starting point from which 'Pinkerton' sprouts, where Cuomo is already at a low stage which doesn't really get much better throughout the album.
19. Only in Dreams (Blue)
Still the longest song on any Weezer album, this 8 minute beast is one of their most heartbreaking songs, thanks to the soft lyric delivery and the lyrics themselves, hopelessly relatable to any awkward teenage boy. The bassline is maybe Weezer's all-time best, and the extended outro, which many have theorised to represent a masturbation session, is a brilliant way to end the 'Blue album'.
18. Pink Triangle (Pinkerton)
This is perhaps the Weezer song most likely to cause offence, other than maybe 'El Scorcho', which the song is appropriately paired with on 'Pinkerton'. However, this doesn't detract from the song at all - other than meaning you probably shouldn't play it in front of non-fans - but actually adds to it. 'pink Triangle' is the epitome of what makes 'Pinkerton' great, it reads like a diary entry that is incredibly relatable to many people, but if you'd written it you would burn it as soon as someone threatened to read it. If I could personally relate to this song, it would be even higher, but it's pretty amazing as it is.
17. Trainwrecks (Hurley)
A HURLEY SONG IN THE TOP 20??!! You'd better believe it, because 'Trainwrecks' has a thumping momentum throughout it's whole run-time and even though it's great from the opening bassline it just gets better as it goes on. The primary reason you should check out 'Hurley' if you haven't.
16. Endless Bummer (White)
Sure the title is a bit naff, but it only helps to make the greatness of 'Bummer' more surprising. With the most memorable chord sequence since 'Island in The Sun', this song has a similar summery vibe but with much more interesting lyrics and a blazing guitar solo that ends not just this song but the whole 'White' album in style.
15. Why Bother (Pinkerton)
Simultaneously hilarious and depressing, this is a nihilistic, punky jam that manages to fit 3 choruses, 2 verses and a guitar solo into a 2-minute runtime.
14. Undone (The Sweater Song)
The first ever Weezer single is also one of the best, perfectly encapsulating what makes the band so great. The riff is still maybe Weezer's all time most memorable, and the chorus is also impossible to not sing along to. It also has a jam session quality that few other Weezer songs have, especially during the outro. My only minor criticism is that the conversation interlude and intro go on a bit too long, but it doesn't stop the rest of the song being bloomin' brilliant.
13. The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Red)
I know some might disagree with this being above 'Undone', but I believe that 'TGMTEL' is the perfect summation of 2000s Weezer. It starts off slow with a piano intro before bursting into a so-bad-it's-good rap that then morphs into a Slipknot parody. The rest of the song goes through the styles of about 10 different styles and artists. I'm still not sure if this is a parody of the self-centred 2008 pop music scene or just an insane experiment, but either way it's incredible to watch unfolding before your ears. Particular highlights for me are the falsetto section and the brilliantly terrible spoken word interlude ("If you don't like it, you can shove it... But you don't like it, you love it.").
12. The Good Life (Pinkerton)
This is easily the most radio-friendly song on 'Pinkerton', and with slight lyrical trimming could have even been on 'Blue'. The long build up to the chorus is unique in Weezer's catalogue despite it's effectiveness here, and the drumming really grabs my attention here for some reason. The best thing about this song though, is in the context of 'Pinkerton' as an album, where it comes as a welcome antidote to the bleakness of the first half of the album.
11. Falling For You (Pinkerton)
Even though 'Falling For You' starts off as a frustrated anthem that flows perfectly from 'Pink Triangle', painting an image of a Cuomo who is tired of his constant hopelessness at romance, it's this high because it contains the most euphoric moment on the album with the declaration of "Holy sweet Goddamn, you left your cello in the basement!" during the bridge, pointing out the one time where things actually go to plan on the album. Hell, by the end of the track Cuomo might actually be in a relationship hes happy with. What could go wrong...
10. I've Had It Up To Here (EWBAITE)
If 'Back to Shack' was Weezer's promise to return to their roots, then 'Had It Up To Here' is their apology for their 2000s output. Because of this alone it would be at least appreciated, but the song itself also sounds fantastic, with the pre-chorus and chorus especially backed up by a rock choir that builds with the instrumentation to a climax which is powerful every time. The lyrics are also the best since 'Pinkerton', with my favourite line being "Don't wanna be mass consumed, I'm not a happy meal."
9. Do You Wanna Get High? (White)
After the disaster of 'We Are All On Drugs' Weezer stayed off the topic of drugs until this chugging, atmospheric piece which is at once terrifying, dark and quite funny, with references to Burt Bacharach mixing with imagery of "Falling to the floor, with our face in a knot". It manages to convey the excitement and worry of a young guy's first experience with drugs complete with a radioactive guitar solo.
8. Buddy Holly (Blue)
The second Weezer song I ever heard, (After 'Beverley Hills' of all songs.) this was the one that got me really interested in them. It's a perfect pop-rock song, that seems to inspire pretty much all of the 'Green' album, and a huge number of imitators. It also contains maybe my favourite 5 second-moment in any Weezer song with that 'DEE-DOO-DEE-NA-DEE-NA-DO-DUM' guitar squeal before the final chorus.
7. The Angel And The One (Red)
Coming directly after 3 of the least Weezer-y songs on any Weezer album, this song comes out of the blue to become the best song Weezer released in the 2000s. The music gradually builds over 5 minutes along with the lyrics until the incredibly powerful climax of "Peace, Shalom" finally breaks. This song sends shivers down my spine, which only a handful of songs by any artist can actually do, making it even more unbelievable that only a year later 'Raditude' was released.
6. L.A. Girlz (White)
Sometimes a song comes out perfectly formed, and 'L.A. Girlz' is an example. The lyrics are heartbreaking, and the music varies from crunching power chords that perfectly convey the panic of the lyrics to the pleading breakdown before my favourite moment in any Weezer song since the 90s - that solo. I can't explain how, but it's just so uplifting, summery and yet so sad at the same time.
5. El Scorcho (Pinkerton)
"GOD-DAMN YOU HALF JAPANESE GIRLS!" is either the best or worst opening line to a Weezer song depending on if you have a soul or not. Many people have stated this as the most relatable Weezer song, and I'm inclined to agree. It's genius is that it's very specific in the verses, giving the song an entertaining narrative, but the chorus is universal, complete with charmingly duff backing vocals. A classic.
4. Butterfly (Pinkerton)
The most depressing, heartbreaking song in Weezer's discography, this is the kind of album closer that I wish I could avert every time, like watching the ending of 'Romeo and Juliet'. It starts off as a re-telling of Madame Butterfly (From what i can tell at least.), which is sad enough as it is, but the song really gets destructive when he refers back to the wider narrative of 'Cuomo-is-a-loser' that the album's been building up. "If I'm a dog then you're a bitch" is the bluntest Cuomo ever got, and 'Butterfly' is a tour-de-force of sadness not matched since.
3. My Name Is Jonas (Blue)
One of the all-time best album openers, this gets Weezer's discography going with chugging momentum from the opening riff before the power chords crash in. The rest of the song changes and develops like no others in Weezer's catalogue, with solos and harmonicas all packed into a 3 and a half-minute song about trying to get compensation from a minor car accident.
2. Across The Sea (Pinkerton)
My runner-up is the centrepiece of 'Pinkerton', and is almost as heartbreaking as 'Butterfly' and almost as relatable as 'El Scorcho', yet is ultimately superior to both. Detailing Cuomo's experience of receiving a letter from a Japanese fangirl, 'Across the Sea' rings completely true. The bridge especially is perhaps the most we've ever learnt about Cuomo's personal life, and it's as depressing as the rest of the song. But where 'Butterfly' is utterly defeated in tone, Cuomo at least has some kind of optimism here with his half-smile delivery of "I've got your letter, you've got my song".
1. Jacked Up (Feat. Fitz of Fitz and the Tantrums and Nadiya of Pussy Riot) - remix (White album Deluxe)
It has Patrone, It has the beat and every time I play it I sure get a lot of pretty girls around me. Nah, but for real...
1. Say It Ain't So (Blue)
It all starts with that opening riff. Sleepy bliss turns into denial which turns into worry which turns into despair which turns into pure rage all in 4 minutes. Another of Cuomo's most personal songs, this one focuses on seemingly a single second in Cuomo's child mind, as he sees his step-father has a beer in his 'icebox', making Cuomo paranoid that he is going down the same alcoholic route as his father. The song is not just Weezer's best thanks to it's sizzling solo and brilliant performances from the whole band, but is one of the defining alt-rock songs of the 90s. And obviously you all saw it coming.
Thanks for reading!
